Santa's Secret Clauses

Ho Ho hoe....
Ladies and Gentlemen presenting to you some of the secret pages from Santa's Diary

Color Codes

(--The Who--)
(--The Wish--)
(-The Clause-)

The V.I.P. Wish list

• Osama Bin Laden - B19 Full Auto Bazooka

"Where do i drop it ? If the US troops cant find him how will an old man like me !"

• George W Bush - Entry into Al Qaeda

"I don't think security will allow me inside with Osama's bazooka still pending"

• Michael Jackson - A Painless Sex Change

"What if he mistakes me for an old kid"

• A Boy Band like Backstreet Boys - A Common girl to run after so they split

"I just hope none of them are gay"

• Bill Gates - Someone to compete with for the richest man in the world

"While competing he might just end up creating a new version Windows Xp-ensive"

• You - A Brain

"I gave them all away last year"

*merry Xmas*

Possible Perversion

I was really tired that night. I needed something to refresh myself. She was waiting for me in the shower. Seemed like she was calling out my name. I just could not resist her fragrance. So i gave in. I undressed her slowly and turned on the shower. Our bodies rubbed against each other. She started sweating. Inch by inch she was all over me. I just couldnt take it anymore, I was done. My hair was all messy.She looked weak, but im sure she would be ready again next morning. At this point of time I just felt that I should go out and tell everyone how much I enjoy having a bath with Lyril..............soap.

*Warning: This post in no way was intended to turn anyone on. I am in no way not to be held responsible for the wet dreams that you get after reading this.*

Fundamental Formule

Frankly its goona be really boring if I keep typing and you people just keep rolling your mortal eyes over faint visible text. So i pushed my thinking to the limit and decided to come up with a simple yet enjoyable and interactive game called "Formule"
I sure everyone remembers the "What do you get when" sections of popular magazines. On similar lines here we derive something from two other objects/animals/etc.

Eg.

A love story + A big ass ship accident = Titanic

A loaded shotgun + 1 = A hole in one




Rules:

1. You can post as a comment only one object/person at a time, whether it be on the left hand side of the equation or the right hand side resultant.
2. You cannot have two consecutive comment posts.
   
3. There should be a minimum of two objects on the left hand side before anyone can post a comment as the right hand resultant.
4. You may combine more than two objects or even then resultant of the previous comment.
   

Sexually explicit/Adult content may not be approved by all, excluding me.

Way of the Horse

People always find new methods of teaching. Teaching anything, including how to train a child to successfully " take a leak ". Its called potty training and i hope everyone who's reading this must have gone through it (and passed with flying colors, mine was faint yellow). I have noticed that parents always find it weird to refer to their sons lil wee-wee as anything but penis, even though its not such a big word to learn, they prefer giving it names. When i say names, it could range anything from animals to meaning less words or even Alfred E. Neuman for that matter. No its not a problem at all, but think about it. Some prefer calling it a Horse ? No, PETA wont have a problem, the real problem will be when your sons, for the first time, come across someone saying "Hold your Horses". Ouch ?

Quotes and Questions

Here is my small list of questions people ask me

Color Codes

(---what they ask---)
(--what they expect--)
(------what i say------)

So how are your exams going ?
Um ya well OK ..blah blah crap crap....
I don't know how they are going but i wish they would just Go away !


Do you do proteins ?
Oh yea well you know I'm really inspired by Salman khan.What a body man......
No man i don't DO Pro-teens, i prefer amateurs.


So who's the new chick in your life.
Well there is one but things are not happening.
My eggs never hatch in the refrigerator.You should get yours checked


Why does you grandmom sleep with the bed sheet over her head ?
Well i guess shes weird
Actually she is rehearsing for her cremation.

Houston we have a problem

Hey people I will be busy with my exams for a while, wish me luck :)
Enjoy this game till then.........
Will be back soon......with a bang, a bloggers promise :P

The Right Choice

People often ask me "Am I doing the right thing ?". My answer is always "Everything you do is right for you." And then starts the argument of How can i say that etc. People kill to survive, they, according to themselves are doing the right thing, the problem lies not in their understanding but of the fact that they are not exposed to other so called right options like work to earn and survive. Maybe no one ever gives them such an option. Always be selfish in thinking good for yourself, cause you never know what the other persons happiness lies in. Hence satisfy yourself before trying to handle someone else.


Todays Observations

• Every print ad these days seems to be for a condom or something. Even a product like a handbag has a semi nude couple beside it. Confusing the audience like this could result in some really silly situations. Imagine someone going to a chemist and asking V.I.P. condoms.
• Substances like glycerins are not meant to be eaten. If you accidentally do, get ready to have a really slippery/loose morning the next day.
• Lets start with another game I would call "Paradox". Lets see how many statements you find with a Paradox.
  

eg(s). 1) Everyone is unique, just like everyone else.
2)I'm lying right now

Re/Pro-active

Do you wait for a chance believing you will actually get one someday.Or do u take a chance so that you may not miss out on anything, risking the fact you may never ever get another one ? Wise is the man who thinks a million times before acting but a fool if after thinking so much doesn't do anything.So i say if you people think about doing something then better DO it.....if you didn't want to it wouldn't strike you ? Would it ?

Todays Observations

• Directors keep yelling take one/take two ....but never give anything :(
• Skulls are doctors pencil stands.Witch doctors that is :)
• Rolling your eyes helps in concentration. Not for you, but other people who concentrate on you wondering what is wrong with you :P
  

Finding Friendship

Apart from formal relationships like Parent-Child,Husband-Wife, Brother-Sister we also have other informal kind of relationships we call friendship.Friendship is not preplanned, it just happens. I think this relationship is better than any other relationship you will ever be in. Rather than being there for everyone just once, its better to be there for each one of our nearest and dearest friends whenever they might need us. I'm sure they feel the same way for you and have been there for you whether it be a bright sunny day,gloomy rains or even shivery winters.


Todays Observations*

• Sadly Indian girl names will never be used in English songs, so crap your dreams of singing an English song your girl friend(s). Or unless you know your foreign trade rules.
• You will understand why English films don't do so well in India when you see "The Lake House". A Love story at its best....no its nothing like a karan johar flick.
• Ok the last observation for today would be a game I like to call "Consequences". You begin with what/who i end. Only one verb allowed.

Eg.

Hen lays egg.

Egg cooked by Mom.
Mom falls from bed.
Bed....(OK i think i should stop cause a lot of things happen in bed)

So lets begin........

Angels fall from sky

*Some observations better understood by the Indian audience. If you need any further explanations please contact your local psycho-the-rapist.

Sympathy vs Empathy

Although both sympathy and empathy are a part of human feelings, one can be confused, which one he/she is experiencing. Sympathy is when you feel sorry for a person and don't know what it feels like to be in his/her position. Where as empathy goes way further than that. You understand the person as if actually you where in the same position as theirs. You feel what they feel. Share the feeling.


Todays Observations

• Philosophers just love to confuse us. They say "Everything that has a beginning.....has and end." and then they say "Every end is a new beginning." Like we got nothing better to do and keep revolving around their infinite loop of life.
• In the song "I like to move it", whats the it they are referring to ? Cause i like to put a LOT of things into motion :P
  
• People who flare their nostrils while laughing definitely will make others laugh. You will know when u see one.
  

Memory Manaic

Memory is a powerful tool. What we really want to remember maybe doesn't come to us when we need it to, but we do remember. Things that do not make much of a difference to us are easily forgotten. I know you wont believe me yet, but ask yourself how many times have you forgotten a family joke you last heard maybe 2-3 years back, how many times have you forgotten your school friends "funny" pet name even though your meeting him/her after 5+ years ? Humor tends to remain unforgotten. I guess because we enjoy it so much, we remember.


Todays Observations

• After 50 glasses of beer, it doesn't matter whether you see the glass as half empty or half full, what really matters if whether you can still see a glass or anything for that matter.
• Never examine a woman's handbag. Even if you manage to get past that unnoticed, never go and ask them "What do you do with so many extra long tissue packets ? ". You don't get extra long tissue packets.
  
• Its a bad time to drop the pressure or take a leak in your loo if you have a plumber working on it from the outside. I hope they are taught in training to "Expect the unexpected".
  

Fanatic Fear

Fear is the worst disease anyone could ever have. The only way to cure it is to face it. Its funny how sometimes we are afraid of things we have never experienced before ? I mean if you haven't experienced it, how can u be afraid of it ? Maybe its not fear but pessimism of the things that you haven't experienced before might lead to something unhealthy. I say if you never ride through it, you shall never know :)


Todays Observations

• You are lucky hunting mosquitoes is not a sport or else i would win every competition. Its a crime. And I'm a proud criminal. :D
• Never sit on the last seat of a dangerous roller coaster ride. You could be wet with metabolic water even when its not a part of the ride. Sit on the first seat rather so everything that comes out goes behind :P
• Anyone with those useless flickering tube lights that never stay put, please donate them to me :) They'd be perfect for my personal pub :P
  

Refresh | Reload | Retry

Even the worlds largest fuel tanker needs to be refilled at some point of time. What about you. The person who slogs all day through college/work/boredom(wow your lucky) needs time to take a break to refresh himself, and something to reload himself with. So next time you trying to hit big, make sure your mentally and physically ready to stand your ground. Its called R³ baby. Pronounced as R cube for all those who are weaker than me in maths. If there exists someone worse than me.I knew it was you !


Todays Observations

• Everything that you smell, and makes you feel like fainting is not Chloroform
  For guys it could be his crushes perfume
  For girls .....Yes u guessed it right its his STINKING SOCKS ! I would bet a 100 bucks on his underwear which would smell better. Oh but then you will have to cross check with that. YOU !
  
• Whats the hell is wrong with The Censor Board ? I tell you they goona censor your wet dreams too in next 5 years.
• The next observation has been contributed by my bro Varun aka Anthrax.Its a short conversation between him and his death wisher(No not me ! Ex of the girl hes currently dating)

Its your last nite: Hey you vaRun ?

Varun:How did you get my id ?

Its your last nite: You b*st*rd. I'm going to silt your b*lls

Varun: Promise ? :D

*Its your last nite is now offline*

Knowledge is the only legal weapon

Like each and everyone of you, even i thought to myself "Why the hell should I study" Well i figured its not about studies at all. Its about personal satisfaction. Remember as a kid you always asked your dad "Why is this so, why does this happen and why doesn't it happen some other way" and never let go until he told you why.Yes we are all paying it now.Only difference is we do not have to ask why.

Todays Observations

• Whoever thought of the surname Manson.......What the hell was he thinking ? He knew his son was the only one who would carry it forward so he decided upon Man-son ?
• New research proves that you can hold your pee longer if you think about A Rated stuff. Just a note to guys, be careful or you might get into double the trouble. I hope you understand what I mean.
  
• You cant kill yourself by holding your breath.If you ain't reading this, don't worry I'll do it for you :)
  

Physical Perfection

Its true that mental state of mind affects the physical. But relying on your mental state to keep your physical state fit is absurd. Your body needs nutritious and complete food as much as it needs happy thoughts. I know we all have physical limitations, although we cannot remove these limitations but we can surely increase the limit to something above average. No I'm not advertising for Kellogs.


Todays Observation

• If ever you feeling lonely, give me missed call from your land line at 161* and I will miss call you back :)
• The phrase "Living it up" literally means you should be living, not here, but up. You know where that is.
• Auto focus cameras suck ! Well you will know what I mean when a fly flies by your shot.

*Only Applicable for readers residing in India

Comforting Compromises

Compromises, once made, should be never spoken of. Saying things like... " Oh I compromised this, and that " etc. doesn't really make it a compromise. It would mean that you are burdened with it and that you are forced to compromise. Well its never so, compromises are true to their meaning if they go unnoticed and yet never looked back at. I wish you could comment and tell me about your compromises, but then again, they wouldn't be compromises anymore, rite ?

Jingle of the Day

Beautiful lady on a shipping dock,
Wearing nothing but a pretty frock,
Thought she would go to get some breeze,
Didn't know about the guys hiding in trees,
Who are waiting for the wind to blow,
And upwards her frock would flow,
They felt a gust of rushing air,
But all were left in dirty despair,
They wanted to see, but couldn't bear,
The sight of a woman all covered in hair.

Igniting Ideas

People always wonder how do other successful persons are able to Think and Create things they could never imagine of. And then they go like "Damn! Why didn't I think of that ?" Of course you couldn't think of that cause your Different. I don't mean better but just simply different. Think in a way you would, cause your uniqueness would create something new, something unique, something to which you can point and say "Hey thats my creation". Like this blog is my creation....my precious sh sh.


Todays Observations

• The term boner is given to something without bones, because I guess its as hard as a bone. All you dirty minds out there wont need to think much to know what that something is.
• I think people with birthdays on the 29th Feb should live 4 times longer than others. Oh yea and our treat also should be multiplied by 4. Come on ! We've waited 4 years for it , we deserve it !
• If you ever feel the need to release gas on stage, make sure there is no microphone around, cause technology these days is just pushing the limit, watch out for the bass.
  

Evading Expectations

Humans always want more. And when they want more from a person, we term it as Expectation. If we expect something out of someone and we get it, we are satisfied but if we do not get it our unsatisfied state leads us to get angry on the person who did not live up to our expectations and we think "Why did I expect anything from him/her anyway". Hence I follow the rule "Don't Expect". You can also start practicing this from today. Don't expect me to update my blog everyday and in return I wont expect you to comment :P

Todays Observations

• To embarrass your friend who's holding a one year old, simply look at the kiddo and say "Gaga do guu". High risk of release of bad odor, try at your own risk. Doesn't work on potty trained toddlers.
  
• The term "Women" was coined because they woo men and when asked the truth say "Who men" ? And they call us flirts.
• Always lock the door before you check your dance moves in front of a mirror. No matter how bad you are, don't worry the mirror wont break.
  

Redirecting Rage

Anger management is something we all know of, but never have implemented. Management doesn't always mean suppressing it. It could mean using your anger when necessary,where necessary. We all should fine suitable outlets for our anger. Some like to sing it out, some work it out (gym), some sweat it out (sports), some don't let it out and some like me just act crazy :D


Todays Observations

• Some people will do anything anywhere anytime. Its not hard to find such samples.
• They say roadside walking is better than treadmill, but atleast you wont get run over buy a speeding car when on the treadmill.
• When taking an objective survey, always add the option [ ] Not Sure for those who don't understand the question.
  

Final Destination

So what do you think you are here for huh ? Ambition is the only thing that gives meaning to our lives. Like direction for an arrow, our Goal gives us a direction to work on, a path to walk on and keep going till the end of our minute lives. If we die for a reason, we were born for one as well. And we all are here to find that reason. So whats yours ? No mine is not becoming the richest blogger alive :P


Todays Observations

• Fuel meters can be deceiving.No E doesn't mean Empty. It means Enough to get you home.
• In gym they do not exercise EVERY muscle of the human body.Still the tongue is the strongest, i wonder how......
• Do not scratch your head in public,cause it doesn't always mean that your thinking.Yes Dandruff is a better assumption.
  

Troubled Thoughts

Try-al and Error

Aim for the sky,
and fall on the ground,
like that you wont go high,
you'll just keep circling around.
But don't let your heart dry,
don't let your hope drown,
even the days you cry,
pass them without a sound,
cause the day you'll TRY;
you will wipe away that persistent frown.

Todays Observations

• When wanting to approach a girl, first check that she isn't wearing high heels. Believe me they hurt.
  
• For the same...... studs can be much worse. Please feel free to share your experience and we will share your pain :)
  
• There is no way to know if someone actually visits my site, until off course someone clicks intentionally or unintentionally on the "Comment" link.Yea that someone does refer to YOU.
  

This is your life.

So many times in your lives we are asked to make decisions that will affect our near future. Taking advice of what to do/why not to do is fine , but in the ultimately we are the final authority who decide what to do and what not. We cannot be forced towards doing something against our will. Cause choice is the only thing that makes us different from machines. We just have to learn to use it efficiently.So now i cant say I'm forced to write this blog :P


Todays observations

1. Plastic bags stretch, paper bags tear.
2. Coconut shell is natures own Ball Guard.
3. Sweaty hands is not a good time for pull ups.

Soul Dance

We all have our own sets of things we love to do, or rather live to do. For me it wouldn't be anything more than listening to music. Off course we all have our own taste for music ,but for me its not just restricted to a particular type, its not even to do with the genre, but i guess the feeling that the song is trying to put through. So next time your feelings low, just try turning up the volume :D


Todays Pic of the Day

Last Sunset

Row your own boat

We, somewhere or the other, keep ourself dependent on the people around us. Like as if we wont be able to work/move further without them. I was taught that if you yourself are the only person you depend on then there would be no such task which you could never complete. I understood this from my dad in a very unique way. I had asked him to do some work for me, he said he would, but before that i had to complete one task for him. He said,"Son..........Pee for me and come."


Todays Observations

• If you ever feel like stripping, do it at your local hospital where you are officially allowed to expose and moreover you can get a periodic checkup done.
• Buzzing sounds of artificial origin from your CPU when translated to human understandable form would usually read "I'M GONNA BLOW"
• Heavy coughing is an excellent substitute for ABS Toner Pro
  

Traversing Time

How many times is it when you say to yourself "Damn ! I should have !". Well its not only you, its all of us who feel that in the near future when they finally realize the idea of an actual Time Machine we would be able to go back and change things the way we want them to be. But sorry to spill oil over your ideas and burn them (yea so you never think like that again) next time your placed in such a situation where you have to make a choice then Make It. No point waiting for a Time Machine and even if there is one made, i will pre-order and let ya know :D


Todays Observations (On public demand)

• Brushing teeth and peeing do not go hand in hand. Unless you have a toilet with a 100cm receiving radius.
• Poster blog trai not wehen no gud ingless riter.
• In the famous dental accessories brand Oral B, what the hell does B stand for ? 500points for the correct answer and 1000 for the funniest :)
  

Patience is my team-mate

One of the biggest plus points about being a tauren is having an almost limitless amount of patience. No i don't mean to say that people of other zodiac signs fail to show this trait but taurens generally have an extra added advantage. Patience can directly affect our productivity. We get and additional amount of time thinking how to improve rather than losing our temper. Oh and in the case of computers, do not ever keep punching keys like Ctrl+Alt+Del when you see the message "Loading .....Please wait", remember its a test of true patience :)

Todays Pic of the Day

Transformation

Im-Mortality

Situations when everything is going "my way", i feel so good about it. I feel immortal. Not in the sense that i cant die or something, but the fact that nothing can go wrong now. I'm sure you have experienced this as well, you might just give it another name. And then when things go wrong, i feel even better, cause it reminds me that I'm still alive, i still have feelings, I'm mortal.


Todays things-to-do

• To screw up a perfectly good Power Point presentation, try pressing the "Sneeze" key.
• When you forget your girlfriends birthday, try using the "I have a bad memory what do I do ?" excuse
• Press the following keys one after the other in under 3 secs for a hidden Microsoft game called "Carry on Bill Gates"
  Sequence is Windows Key then "u" then Enter and Enter.
  

Chain Reaction

Your life as you would know is only a product of the choices that you make. A single choice will have a drastic effect on your tomorrow. Even the smallest of decisions can have the biggest impact in your life. I'm quite sure everyone has read mails telling stories of someone who helped a poor kid and later in his/her life the same kid was the one who repays back the favor.Well that doesn't mean the next time you see a beggar child, you give money and say "Hey ! psst ! I know your gonna return me the favor some day" *wink*

Todays Announcements

• For all those who jumped out of their windows after watching Krrish and other such movies, please refer to 12th Std Science Chapter 2 named "Gravity".
• For all girls who like to drive, HONKING DOESN'T SCARE US , YOU DO !
• For all CS lovers, to activate the ultimate cheat type unbindall in console.
  

Dynamic Desicions

Things cant remain the same forever. People change, shit happens and before we know it we are pushed in a situation completely new to us. Sure there are times you have told your gf's, people of similar category, etc that you wish it would last forever. Is that so ? Don't you think it would get boring to stay the same forever ? What is the fun in playing a game where you already know what is gonna happen next ? Unpredictability rules :)

Jingle of the day


Once the queen of England wanted a loo soo elite;
She called in an Indian plumber, cuz she simply found him sweet;
He worked day n night to make a toilet, royal,small and sleek;
But when he presented it to the lady,all she did was weep;
She said,"I wanted the One" *sniff*
"On which i could rest my bum"*sniff*
"And not my friggin feet !"

The Undefined and Unseen

We are always afraid of things we do not know of. Its not ghosts that scare us but the fact that we never have really seen one, rather the thought of how a supernatural entity will look like scares us the most.So remember the next time you see a ghost, don't forget to say "Hey, havnt we like met before ?"

Todays Observations

• In Visual Basic, to change any Horizontal Line to a Vertical one simply change the .OnViagra property.
• You can pee out from your window if its raining heavily.
• Don't ever sing songs like Nirvana - Rape Me in your classroom.
  

Lets Talk !

Communication gaps are the root cause of all problems. Misunderstandings can arise from the smallest of statements and develop into a big gap between you and your temporary enemy. The only way out then is to re-establish the communication link between the two of you. And remember you CANT start a conversation by calling each other names.

Todays Observations

• Guys without girls are like Televisions without a remote control.
• Days when you have acidity problems are days when you should NOT go to the gym. Principle of Pressure applies to each and every muscle you see.
• Tsunami, Earthquakes, Floods, etc are natures own solution for population explosion.
  

Surpassing Limits

Its not easy to keep trying for the things you want. Who said you are bound to get them if you keep trying. But atlest you have satisfaction of giving it your best shot ? Thats the reason whoever said keep trying till you succeed must have not lived to say "Keep tryin till u succeed or till you die.

Todays Observations

• Practicing football with a 3 kg work-out ball can be dangerous without studs.....or maybe even with them, just cause i havnt tried with them on.
  
• Its better sleeping than debating with girls.
• Downloading 100 MB via a 40kbps line and then deleting the file by mistake can lead to disastrous effect and massive hair loss.
  

Runtime errors

Mistakes dont come with a warning.Its only that we have made one do we have the chance to realise that we were wrong.Best we can do is learn from then so that when in such a situation again we can prevent the same mistakes from happning yet again. Somewhat like the Runtime Errors of life.

Todays Observations

• Allergies in the wrong places can somtimes make you feel proud
• If you have a broken rib, laughter can be a big pain
• Unlike post-mail,tele-mail,e-mail or any other mail; you never want to recive a blackmail
  

Its only day two

We are only humans and we always want MORE.But even when u have the chance to choose more, the biggest question in your mind is WHICH to choose ! Bah just saying cause i wasted a whole day at a shopping mall,in the end i just left with a thousand free flyers in my hand.Girls will know better about shopping i guess

Todays Observations

• Whilst in heavy traffic people have a tendency to replace words like "Hey","Hello","Good Evening" by somthing similar like "YOU MOTHAF**KERS, CMON MOVE !!"
• Wouldnt it be easier for the 99 Rupee shops to keep only 1 rupee change with them ??
• Play football only with the ball which every1 else is running after.
  

And so it begins...HERE !

Happy bday to my blog,happy bday to my blog !
Finally my first blog on this site ! Its time you guys get somting better to read.
A journey of a thousand blogs begins with a the click of a single "Publish Post" button.i guess mine begins right here,right now .

Todays observations:

• Mc Donalds softy wid that gooey green apple sauce is not bad at all ! tastes like some foreign chewing gum ! yum !
• I love being affiliated wid GOOGLE :D
• Wonder what the sun and the moon look frm the north pole ? Anyone joining me to come and check ?